Thursday, March 11, 2004 :::  

I still love you...

=(

=((

=((((

Guess I'm still sad after all. Despite the fact that I'm quite normal most of the times.. Sad bout many things, not only bout what I'm gona blog about today. Yea.. I'm ok, but not ok. Haha.. =p

Something triggered my mind (Well, I do think a lot! =P).. This time it's about the people u need around u - ur friends...

Sometimes I feel that I seriously haven't had any super good great relationships with anyone. Like I don't have any serious true good friends who are great to shout about. No doubt I've good friends, but sorry to say this peeps. I know this might bring great "disaster", but... I seriously realised that from what I see & experienced till now, yea, we do have great times together too. But, I feel that none of my good friends are willing to sacrifice a lot for me.

I know love is to be patient, to give & sacrifice without wanting to be loved back, or even receiving back any act of love. But I'm not as holy as I want to be. I'm not as tough.. I've already done this for years.. Years of sacrifice, years of caring & saving the friendship. Years of doing things outta my way, just because I want them to be happy.

I try to water the "plant" as often as I can. I thought of letting it die once, or at least see how it'll survive by its own. But at that moment, the plant seemed to blossom a lil. And that became my motivation to care for the plant once more. I decided to save the plant, and sow more seeds.

That's the history. But ok. May be I'm not that "heroin" as mentioned, but I know I've put in a lot of effort and whatever else in it. May be I didn't do a great job in trying to save the friendship. Or may be the way I did it wasn't that appealing. Too many possibilities.

Guess things just can't be forced, huh? 'Cause it might just be that they don't find me such a good friend to treasure. Prolly my qualities aren't enough? I talk too much? I bore them? I'm too picky? I'm not their kind? I duno... But, that's just how things are. Both parties have to make the relationship stronger. Not only one party. It won't work that way. Not in this situation, at least.

I'm really sorry my dear friends, I know this might be very silly to do. But I can't deny my thoughts and feelings. I've been keeping this in me for..... say, a few months? I didn't dare to tell u all, and I still don't dare yet. I don't know how would you feel. I'm afraid that u all would be mad at me, or have different thoughts from me. But I really duwana sound like I care about every little detail that I've done. I seriously didn't mind until *something* happened, and it really made me feel so.... insignificant in ur eyes. And it suddenly made me think of all the stuffs from last time till now. May be all these are just becos I've been thinking too much, may be I didn't see it from a different perspective. Or may be I'm right, but u didn't realise it? I don't know. I didn't ask u.... yet.

I don't know how this will end, but I hope all will be well. Somehow.

I still love you, but may be just not as committed as before. *hugs*. Please, don't get mad at me...

P/S :: God, is really the only one we can rely & depend on 24/7. I really should go to Him more... I should seek my needs & perfectness from Him. I really wana have more passion for God, ya know? =\\.

IMPORTANT / disclaimer :: You should know I do not blog about everything in my weblog. Certain things are not said here. And this entry doesn't contain all that I am thinking about. I do treasure my friends & I am NOT blaming them for anything. Just an entry about my sadness or negativeness, if u like to put it that way..

    ::: sonia blogged @ 12:26 AM    - Return to top -

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